looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
