Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
