Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
