I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
