just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
