dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
