This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
