you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.