i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
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you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
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I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.