i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
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you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Houston, we have a squirter
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
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that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.