you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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