True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
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there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
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well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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