im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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