Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
