All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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