A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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