I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
