i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
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Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The uberlube is also flammable
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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