I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
