I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
