This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
