listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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