I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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