I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
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cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
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First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob