the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
