there's paper in my vomit.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
