Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
