I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
