i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The Olympian is in my bed
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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