garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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