I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You ruined the universe
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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