how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
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Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
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You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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