if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
