when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
