Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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