Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
