Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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