I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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