That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
