i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
