Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
