i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
