benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Is it penis luge time yet?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
