i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
