No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
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