Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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