guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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