Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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