I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Less talking, more tequila
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Randomize
