every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
