I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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