Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
