My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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