I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
