Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
