you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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