I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
