we have pet lesbian snakes
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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