Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
